home
by murderhewrote
Summary: Post "Watershed", right after. She looks at him, stunned. She can't move. She can't make a sound.
1. Chapter 1

She looks at him, stunned. Her mouth slightly open, eyes fixated on him. The wind moves her hair slowly, just a little around her face.

She _can't_ move. She _can't_ make a sound.

The swing's chains creak as they scratch each others' rust. His knee is starting to bother him. She won't say anything. He starts to think this wasn't such a good idea.

"Kate, please say something." he blurts out.

She opens her mouth wider, then closes it. She's still stunned. She doesn't take her eyes off his hand.

"I-"

"Castle, I-"

She can't say it. She can't say yes, it's too much, she's not ready yet. But she can't say no either. He's looking at her, he's hurt, he's anxious. She needs to say something.

She starts finding it harder to breathe. She moves to get up. He quickly stands in front of her.

She sees the hope dying in his eyes, slowly.

_No_.

She grabs his suit jacket lapels and pulls him towards her. Buries her nose in his neck. She can't breathe.

He puts his arms around her, holds her tight.

He realizes what he's doing.

"You don't have to say anything you're not ready to." he whispers gently in her ear.

He sees it now. It's killing her. Having to make this decision. He strokes her hair, drawing little circles with his fingers in her scalp.

She's not moving again. She's so still. Is she breathing properly?

He feels so stupid. He can't do this, not yet. He can't let her go either. He can't let her move to DC, away from him. But he can't stop her. She loves her job. He can't make her choose.

"It's okay. Kate, it's okay," he needs to tell her.

He grabs her shoulders softly, pushes her away just a little so he can see her face. He cradles her cheek.

She looks so tired. He sees the hurt and guilt in her eyes. She has that look she had a year ago when she knocked on his door, soaking wet, apologizing.

"I can't." she finally blurts out "I'm sorry, Rick. I love you. But I can't right now."

She half smiles. But her eyes are sad. She doesn't want to break his heart. She wants him to understand her options.

Her eyes start shining a little, watering.

"No, it's okay. I know, I'm sorry. It's too soon, I wasn't thinking right" he says.

He strokes her jaw and smooths her back slowly. He's trying to make her understand. It's okay. He presses his lips to her forehead.

"You don't have to marry me today, but you need to know that I can't let you go."

"I don't want to go-" she chokes "-but that job, Castle..."

"I know."

"I don't know what to do."

"Let's go home."

"Castle-"

"Come on. I'll make you diner. We'll talk in the morning. I miss you."

She smiles. He can still see the sadness in her eyes. But she relaxes in his arms. To his relief, she's breathing normally again.

"Okay." she cracks.

The wind picks up its pace, the leaves start dancing around in the trees. She shivers. He hugs her again, tight. She puts her arms around him and whispers "I'm sorry" into his ear. So faint, he almost doesn't hear it.

He kisses her mouth softly. Doesn't pull back, prolongs the moment as much as he can. She could be gone tomorrow.

He lets her go, but takes her hand. She leads him to her car. He puts the ring back in his pocket.

They head home.

_Home_.


	2. Chapter 2

i posted in a hurry, sorry if there's any mistakes. i'll fix it later :)

* * *

She's sitting on the edge of the kitchen counter, staring at him. He's making them diner. Italian. She can't move again.

He glances at her several times. Smiles kindly, his eyes smothered by his cheeks when his lips stretch. He's smiling, but she knows he's a little miserable. Anxious and nervous. It's her fault, of course.

He leaves the boiling diner. Approaches her. She must have a pained look on her face. He always knows how she's feeling without her having to utter a single word. He takes both her hands in his, rests them on her thighs. She's freezing.

"Let's forget about everything, just for a little while." Castle whispers

"That will make it worse" she answers sadly.

"Let it." he utters sharply.

She moves her head forward a little. He reads the _make me forget_ splattered on her face. So he closes the space between them, pressing his lips against hers. She pushes him a little, kisses him harder. He lets go of her hands and places them on her thighs, grips them and runs his hands up slowly. She gasps, breaks the kiss and buries her face in his neck, kisses him there.

The pot starts making strange noises. They break apart. Castle cups her face, nudges his nose against her gently. He plants a soft kiss on her mouth and turns away, moving towards the stove.

They make it thought diner, mostly in silence. They ate quickly, sharing looks between bites. She thanks him for the meal, says it's delicious as always. He kisses her for that, his thumb on her chin.

"Cas-"

"No, not yet" he cracks, his lips touching hers when they speak. Their eyes are closed.

"We have t-"

"Tomorrow. Please."

"I have this clench in my stomach, makes me sick. I don't know what to do." She furrows her eyebrows. He knows she feels horrible.

"Try putting it out of your mind. I'll help you. Just tonight." He tries to ease her pain. But he feels it too. That clench in his stomach, it wont' let him breathe properly. He fells suffocated.

"Come on Beckett. Let's go to bed. We can worry about it tomorrow."

She knows it will be harder this way. She can't really imagine how her life will be like without him. She hopes he can be okay without her. The other way around will never happen.

After the kitchen looks decent enough, he puts an arm around her waist and leads her to the bedroom.

They get in his shower. He rubs soap on her. She kisses him slowly, distracts him, takes her time. The water is so hot, when they leave they're both smoking and red skinned.

She steals one of his shirts, a red one, particularly large that cover half her thighs. He puts on boxers and a shirt, which she removes right after he tugs it on.

"I like your chest," she cracks with s smile "and your arms."

He kisses her, takes her hand and pulls her under the covers with him. She moves to be on top of him. Her head on his chest. Kisses it.

He grabs her chin, make her look up. He cracks a smile. Puts his hands on her hips and turns them over. He kisses her softly at first.

"I love you" he breathes out. Puts his hands on her thighs and moves them up slowly. She kisses him harder and puts her arms around him. Rests her hands on his shoulders and grips them.

"I love you too, Rick."


	3. Chapter 3

thank you so much for reading, for the kind reviews and favourites :) I honestly thought nobody was reading this

* * *

When she wakes up she's sprawled on top of him. Her head resting on his broad chest. Arm clutching his bicep. Legs tangled with his.

For a little while, everything feels right. She's happy. She shifts her head to look up at him. Runs her hand over his chest, kisses him softly. Breathes him in.

She's smiling but quickly frowns when she remembers.

_Shit._

They need to talk. They need to figure this out.

It's back. That clench in her stomach. It's hard to breathe again. She holds him tighter for a while. He's going to wake up soon. She could spend the day right here.

She moves gently. Tries to leave the bed without waking him. He stirs. She wants to cry.

He breathes peacefully. His hair is a mess. Makes him look adorable. She wants to kiss him. Wants to run her fingers through his ruffled hair. Bury her face in his neck. Snuggle deeper into his arms. Hmm.

Instead she walks away. Goes to the kitchen and attempts to make some coffee. They're going to need it.

He usually doesn't wake up easily. He's a heavy sleeper. But when something troubles him, he wakes to the faintest of sounds.

The bed is still warm. But she's gone. That's when he hears the sound that woke him. She's making coffee.

They need to talk.

They have serious communication issues. It's bad. Half the mess they are in could have easily been avoided by talking. Just sitting down and talking. They did it well when they started out. Why did it stop?

He takes things slow with her. Obviously because she's different. He knows he can't push her. She feels smothered easily. Also he rushed his last two marriages. Look what happened there. He's careful with her. Apparently too careful. But it's just because he really wants this to be it.

He loves her.

He tries to give her the space he thinks she needs. It was too much.

He knows she'll take the job. But if that's what she really wants, he won't let her turn it down.

He didn't feel like this yesterday. But he thought about it. Last night, while she fell asleep in his arms. While her breath eased and slowed. Her head resting in his chest. Right next to his neck.

He loves her. He can be selfish. But he can't be selfish with her. When he bought the ring he wanted her to know that he's serious about this. Maybe that would change her mind.

Maybe that would make her _stay_.

But when he got down on one knee, he knew that's not why. When he asked her, he knew.

He doesn't care. She can choose to stay or go. Whatever it is, he's with her. They will make it work. He can't make her choose. _No_. He loves her.

Time to let her know. _Again_.

He gets up. Moves to put some clothes on, but remembers they're alone. Instead he goes to the bathroom. Washes his face. Needs the cold water to wake up a little.

He looks in the mirror. _I'm such an idiot_, he thinks. He needs coffee. He needs to tell her.

* * *

the next chapter will be the last. thanks again for reading :)


	4. Chapter 4

She's sitting on the kitchen counter. His red t-shirt on. Swinging her legs nervously. She looks pensive. Worried.

Still, adorable.

He walks slowly and sleepily towards her. His eyes crinkle, wincing at the sunlight coming through the big living room windows.

"Hey" she cracks, smiling at him. She relaxes when he walks in. Like always, when he's around.

He grabs her knees when he reaches her. Keeps his hands there. She puts her arms around him. Her hands on his neck.

"Hmm, morning sunshine." He hums against her mouth. She presses her lips to his. Kisses him harder. Desperately even. He kisses her back the same way. His hands leave her knees. He moves them up her inner thighs slowly. Lingers there a little and grips her. He grabs her ass and pulls her tighter to him. They don't stop kissing. She grips his shoulders. Wraps her legs around his torso.

_Never let me go _almost escapes her mouth. But he hears it anyway.

She stops suddenly. Brushes her lips against his. Like a peck on the cheek.

"I can't do this anymore" she blurts out.

"I know love"

"No, Castle. You don't. I can't stay. I have to take that job."

She drops her head on his shoulder blade. Brushes her forehead against him as she moves to hide in his neck.

"Kate-"

He closes his eyes. Holds her tighter. She shakes her head very slowly and frowns. Not an angry frown.

"You have no idea how much it hurts to say this to you. I need to go. I don't want to end up resenting you for making me stay."

He puts his hands on her face. Cups her cheeks. Smothers a few of her curls between them in the process.

"Look at me" he whispers.

She looks up at him. She's crying. It's subtle though. Her eyes water just a little. Her eyes are sad. There's this faint small smile on her lips. Like she's trying to accept something, but not quite believing it yet.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't. Just listen." He tries to sound reassuring.

"When I asked you, I didn't mean-" he let's out a small puff of air and chuckles.

"I meant I'm with you. If you want to go, I'm coming with you."

She can't move again. She starts breathing funny again.

_Shit_.

He panics. She doesn't say anything.

"If you want me to, of course. I'm sorry. You can say no, I don't want to be a distraction. I know this job is-" he starts blurting out nervously. Like he always does when he's panicked.

She cuts him off with a smothering kiss. Her hands are on this collar bones. She squeezes his shoulders so hard he lets out a yelp.

When she pulls back she's smiling at him. He hasn't seen this smile on her face in a long time. She looks..._happy_? Yeah. She looks happy.

"What?" He asks lobotomized. Stupefied. It's a happy smile. There's no fear or sadness in her eyes anymore.

"Would you really do that for me?"

"Kate. Is that even a question? Of course. Nothing would make me happier."

"But what about your life her? Martha? Alexis? Can you really leave this all behind?

"I'm a writer. I can work anywhere I want to. And I can come here every weekend and on holidays. They won't miss me. Much"

"_We_ can come here. Yes."

She laughs. Puts her hands on his cheeks. Presses a gentle, careful kiss on his mouth.

"The ring though-" she's panicked now. There's insecurity in her eyes.

"Its okay. Only when you're ready. But know that this is where I want us to go." He reassures her. Runs his hands along her back.

"Yeah. Me too." There it is again. That smile.

She slides of the counter smoothly. Running her hands through his chest.

"Coffee?" She asks.

"Please."

She pours coffee into two mugs.

She feels relief. All that crushing weight on her lungs is lifted. She can breathe properly again. He's coming with her.

She's not really leaving home now. He's home.

She hands his a mug with hot coffee. He thanks her and smiles. Then she's on tiptoes. She kisses him. He pulls her closer to him. His hand wrapped around her lower back. When they pull back he crushes her nose with his. Rests his forehead on hers.

Home.

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Thank you for reading :) I hope it was okay.


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